words to thrive without
language that empowers
Language can inspire, motivate and express love; it can also incite to riot, paralyze with fear, humiliate, and alienate.
I find it fascinating that a simple series of letters strung together from a small collection of 26 can be arranged in various configurations to form unique sounds that have the power to build up or tear down.
I’m sure you’ve got plenty of examples where a word or phrase landed you in dire circumstances. And, what about “bad” words, the ones that make us gasp when we hear them roll off the tongue of a child or stir up emotions of anger, exclusion, hate, or disgust.
The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences.
Louise L. Hay
Let’s consider a few words that when paired with core negative beliefs can strip us of our agency, constrain our process of self-discovery, and make our lives more difficult to navigate.
The words that we can thrive without are ‘should,’ ‘shouldn’t,’ ‘can’t,’ ‘never’ and ‘always.’ Each one, perfectly capable of wreaking all kinds of havoc.
Our conversations with ourselves and others are peppered with shoulds, shouldn’ts, and can’ts. I should have my life together by now; I should retire because it’s going to be too hard to get another job in this field at my age; I shouldn’t take advantage of this opportunity because I would have to relocate and my family would be disappointed; as a caretaker, I shouldn’t be concerned with taking care of myself because they’ll think I’m being selfish; I hate this job but I can’t quit; I can’t be a burden on my family; and so on.
Challenge: For one week, pay close attention to the number of times you use should, shouldn’t and can’t.
Ask yourself, “Why?”
One of my favorite exercises in Louise Hay’s book, You Can Heal Your Life is the “I Should, Exercise.” She encourages her new clients to compose a list of about five or six statements that begin with “I should.” As they read each statement, she asks them, “Why?”
Asking “why” brings a whole new sense of awareness to our shoulds and shouldn’ts. In most cases, you find that you are doing or not doing something because someone else said you should or shouldn’t. No wonder you’re unhappy! A life filled with shoulds and shouldn’ts is a life that isn’t yours.
Apparently, what you want or don’t want is wrong. How dare you consider what makes you happy. When you ask yourself, “What do I really, really, really want;” now you’re getting somewhere.
Using should and shouldn’t can be directive, accusatory, limiting, and an easy way to avoid personal responsibility - sure you can blame someone else for your choices, but isn’t that giving your power away? In doing so you put others in the driver’s seat. Why limit yourself?
A great alternative to the word should is the word could. Try it! Rather than “I should [...],” you can say, “I could […] or I could [...],” Now there’s a choice. And, choice leaves the door open to other possibilities.
Isn’t having a choice wonderful?
Then, there’s that pesky word can’t. Use of the word can’t can also be limiting. There are times when others push the word can’t on us, but we know how to play this self-limiting game all by ourselves.
If when responding with “I can’t” you mean “I won’t” then perhaps you simply don’t want to do what’s in question. However, if your first response is can’t, implying that you are incapable, it’s too hard, or even impossible, try asking instead, “how can I”? Asking “how can I,” also keeps the door to possibilities and opportunities wide open.
If you think you can do it, or you think you can’t do it,
you are right. - Henry Ford
As far as “never” and “always” is concerned, great care can be taken with these words as well. There is an implication of finality and absoluteness, which seems to slam the door to possibility, opportunity, and change.
When you say never, is what you’re saying true? “He never listens to me.” Really? Never? “I’m always late.” Is that true? It’s a simple matter of choice, possibility and opportunity.
Knowing and understanding that words have tremendous power, and that the words we speak coupled with the thoughts we think create our experiences gives us much to mentally munch on.
Changing our shoulds to coulds and our can’ts to how can I may seem like simple adjustments that won’t make a difference. Test it out for yourself. Make the shift.
Doesn’t a life filled with choice, possibility and opportunity provide so much more flexibility, potential, and access as you move forward?